


written in my memory

by carissima



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, M/M, OT5 Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-09
Updated: 2014-05-09
Packaged: 2018-01-24 01:52:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1587296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carissima/pseuds/carissima
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam turns towards the voice. It sounds a bit like Harry, but deeper somehow. Huskier. He blinks carefully as he stares at Harry, who's half-sitting in the window, staring back at him. Or maybe it's not Harry, he thinks dizzily because this boy is taller, much taller than Harry is. He's also got longer hair, tucked back in a bandana, and he's wearing clothes that Harry would never wear; tight skinny black jeans and a loose black tee, silver chains around his neck hanging loose over his chest. </p><p>Or the one where Liam has amnesia and he struggles to connect with the boys.</p>
            </blockquote>





	written in my memory

He hears the steady beep of a monitor. He smells the overwhelming scent of antiseptic. He feels the aching throb at the back of his head before he even opens his eyes. His vision blurs a bit, but he can see a telly playing quietly in the background, fixed up on the wall. He blinks a few times, trying to get his bearings and wondering what the hell happened to his head before his vision clears.

Liam squints at the light, turning his head away from the glare as he realises he's in a hospital room, his hand lifting to press gently against whatever's causing the thumping pain in his head. More specifically, he realises, he's in a hospital bed. He can see Niall and Louis curled up on a chair, Niall half-falling off while Louis takes up most of the room. There's something a bit off about them, maybe about the way they look or something, but Liam's head hurts too much for him to spare it too much thought and he's still squinting, so maybe it's that.

He shifts a little so he can see Zayn curled up in another chair, his head ducked into his arms. There's something on his arms, Liam realises, but it's too bright for him to see properly.

"Liam?"

Liam turns towards the voice. It sounds a bit like Harry, but deeper somehow. Huskier. He blinks carefully as he stares at Harry, who's half-sitting in the window, staring back at him. Or maybe it's not Harry, he thinks dizzily because this boy is taller, much taller than Harry is. He's also got longer hair, tucked back in a bandana, and he's wearing clothes that Harry would never wear; tight skinny black jeans and a loose black tee, silver chains around his neck hanging loose over his chest. He looks a bit shocked and he's still staring. Hard.

"Who ... who are you?" Liam asks, feeling confused and disorientated. "You look a bit like ... Harry."

He sees not-Harry's face drop into a frown before he looks a bit panicked. "Liam, of course it's me. Harry."

Liam's shaking his head before he realises what he's doing. "No, no you can't be. You don't look like Harry."

"Shit," he hears not-Harry whisper before he moves across the room, Liam's eyes not leaving him for a second. It's definitely not Harry, he knows because Harry doesn't have that long stride or walk that confidently, Liam tells himself, although his heart is racing and he's a tiny bit terrified.

"Louis," Harry murmurs, his hand on Louis' arm. "Louis, he's awake!"

He sees Louis stumble to his feet as Niall rolls off the chair with a loud "ouch!" that seems to stir Zayn.

Except it's not Louis, Niall and Zayn because the boys looking back at him don't look like _his_ Louis, Niall and Zayn. They're too old. Their hair is all wrong and they're wearing the wrong clothes and Zayn, Louis and Harry have tattoos and ...

"What the hell is happening?" Liam whispers, his eyes wide with panic as he starts to breathe faster.

"Liam, it's alright," Not-Louis says, his hand outstretched as if he's going to touch Liam's shoulder, but Liam flinches away instinctively. "Shit, Liam?"

"Don't," Liam whispers, his voice shaking as he reaches out his hand and grabs Zayn's. It's instinctive.

"Okay, I'm not going to touch you," Not-Louis says, sounding both outraged and worried all at once. Liam's even more fucking confused.

"Harry?" Niall's reaching for him but Harry's shaking his head, looking a bit lost. He's not the only one.

"He doesn't ... I think he doesn't remember ... things," Harry trails off, leaning into Niall slightly.

"Someone get the doctor," Not-Zayn murmurs as Liam feels him moving nearer. He clings harder, because it's Zayn, kind of, and he trusts Zayn. Trusts him above everyone.

Not-Niall moves first after a worried glance at Liam, and soon he's being examined and asked question after question and his answers have the doctor frowning and scribbling furiously.

"Liam, how old are you?" he asks, and Liam frowns.

"Seventeen," he answers confidently, because that's the easiest question he's been asked so far.

He hears noises around the room, but he's focused on the doctor, who's shaking his head slowly.

"And what's the last thing you remember?"

Liam frowns as he tries to focus on what he'd been doing before he woke up. He rubs at his head idly, wincing a little as he feels the bump right at the back, underneath what feels like a bandage of some sort. "We were singing Kids in America, in rehearsals. I think maybe I had a nap? Then I woke up here."

There's a chorus of loud swearing in the room that the doctor tries to hush, to no avail.

"Liam, you've had a bump to the head," the doctor tells him when the room quietens a little. Liam nods, because that much is clear. "Unfortunately, your brain has swollen to protect itself, and that's caused a temporary case of amnesia."

The words filter through slowly. "How old am I?" Liam whispers. He's still clinging to Zayn but Niall's moved closer next to him and Louis and Harry are closing in on the other side of the bed and he's not sure whether to feel protected or claustrophobic. He thinks maybe both.

"You're twenty," Niall says quietly, and ... oh.

His body does feel a bit weird, now he thinks about it. A bit heavier. His hair feels different too; his hand reaching up to pat it. Instead of flat-ironed hair, which he painstakingly styled for hours that morning, it's short and a bit spiky, where he can feel it anyway under the bandage. And his eyes widen as he realises he's got tattoos. He stretches his hands out in front of him, moving them until he's seen all of them. Weird scribbles, a feather that reminds him of his nan somehow, something that looks like hieroglyphics and some big fucking arrows. His arms don't look like his arms and his body doesn't feel like his body and he's stuck in this room, surrounded by boys he doesn't really know all that well, but yet clearly something must have gone right on the X Factor because they're still here with him, three years later.

God, his head fucking hurts.

*

It takes a few hours, some of which Liam dozes through because apparently bumps to the head make him tired, but the rest of the time he just watches his bandmates. He sees the way Louis keeps touching Harry, just little touches like he's reminding Harry that he's there. He sees the way Zayn keeps watching him carefully, his gaze remaining steady even when Liam catches him. He watches Niall flirt with every female who enters the room, even while he stays near Liam, always within reaching distance.

He learns that Zayn's got almost a full sleeve of tattoos that Liam strokes carefully when Zayn sits up on his bed with him. They're more artistic than Louis', whose tattoos look like a jumbled mess of random thoughts, or Harry's, which seem like a collection of scribbles.

But they all hover, is the thing. Harry keeps moving towards him and back again, like a boomerang or something. Louis keeps his distance, staying near the door like he's keeping watch, arms folded as he mostly looks bored even with alert eyes.

"Tell me about what happened on the X Factor then," Liam asks Niall, reaching out to draw him close. He's expecting Niall to perch on the bed like Zayn's been doing so he's surprised when Niall half-falls onto him, shoving at Liam until they're lying together, Niall's head resting on Liam's arm. He feels totally awkward but Niall seems pretty comfortable, so he keeps still, wondering if these moments of closeness ever get easier.

"Well, we got to the final," Niall says, closing his eyes and smiling like he's remembering a happy memory. "It was amazing, Liam. We sang Torn and Your Song, and it was like, magical. You and Harry were brilliant, mate."

Liam glances up to find Harry watching them. He manages a tight smile, but it doesn't look right on his face, Liam thinks. Nothing looks quite right.

"We came third, behind Matt and Rebecca," Niall tells him, and Liam swallows down the bitter taste in his throat. So it didn't matter, he thinks miserably. All that hard work and they still didn't win. His hands clench around the blanket draped over him and he blinks back a sudden wetness in his eyes. He turns his head away from Niall in an attempt to gather his composure because he's not supposed to cry, not about something that apparently happened three years ago, even if for him it hasn't even happened yet. Except he ends up staring at Harry, who moves slowly towards him until his fingers stroke against Liam's balled fist. He keeps stroking until Liam takes a deep breath and forces his grip to relax. Harry pats his hand like a reward, which Liam finds really odd, and moves back to his seat, perched against the window sill.

"We got a contract," Louis says suddenly, and Liam jerks his head around towards the door, where Louis hasn't moved. Louis' staring at him and Liam's mouth tightens. "Became a worldwide sensation. Three albums, currently on our world tour."

"Don't," Liam says, his voice louder and shakier than he means it to be. He can see the way everyone turns to stare at him, but he's only looking at Louis, pleading with him. "Just please, don't tease."

Louis stares right back at him until he throws his hands up in exasperation and turns away. "Zayn, tell him it's the truth. He'll believe you."

"It's true Leeyum," Zayn says quietly, his eyes troubled as Liam watches him watching Louis. "Everything Louis said is true."

"We're famous," Niall says when Zayn doesn't continue. "Proper famous with girls screaming outside our hotel and getting mobbed and stuff. We're the most famous boyband in the world right now."

Liam can't believe it. It feels like some massive prank they're all playing on him, except he can't deny how much everyone's changed or the tattoos on his own body that seem pretty permanent because no amount of rubbing or scratching has removed even a dot from them yet.

He feels completely off-balance, like everyone knows all these things about him and he’s stumbling around in the dark, feeling his way blindly. And everyone is staring at him, like they're expecting something from him but he doesn't know _what_ so he can't give it to them.

He closes his eyes as Niall starts filling in some of those years with stories of what they've done or who they've met. Every time it starts to sound too fantastical (producing with Pharrell, winning Brit Awards, a fucking Twitter spat with Boy George that he's sure his mum will have given him grief over because she loved Culture Club, and a movie, for fucks sake), he glances at Zayn who just nods wryly and pats his hand.

*

There’s some complex plot to get him into a car round the back of whatever hospital they’re in (he’s still not sure where they are, judging by the accents of the staff he thinks it’s somewhere in Europe but he doesn’t know where exactly) that seems ridiculous to Liam but everyone’s nodding at the tall, burly man who seems to be in charge. When he’d walked in the room the boys had all shut up, miraculously, and turned towards him looking relieved. It was all a bit puzzling, until Zayn had whispered that the guy, Paul, was their tour manager and sort of their father figure on tour. Liam had stared at him, waiting for some kind of recognition to kick in but he’s certain he’s never seen the man before.

Paul in turn had given Liam a careful scrutiny before he’d turned to Louis and some kind of silent communication had taken place that Liam didn’t understand at all. Then the plan had unfolded.

Twenty minutes later, escorted by bodyguards that Liam can’t help but stare at in awe, Liam’s in the back of a car with Niall and Zayn on either side of him, after a brief moment when no one seemed to know where to sit until Harry had shoved Niall and Zayn into the back with Liam and Louis and Harry had scrambled in front, huddled together and whispering furiously. Liam thinks it’s kind of comforting watch them, knowing that in all these years that he’s apparently lost, some things haven’t changed.

It eases his panic just a little.

“Where are we?” he asks Niall, his hand tapping out a rhythm on his knee. “Like, which country?”

“Germany,” Niall says slowly, his eyes drawn to Liam’s knee.

In fact, the car’s gone a bit quiet and Liam self-consciously stills his fingers, his eyes drawn down to the car floor. He feels like he’s done something wrong, but he doesn’t know what.

“What were you drumming just then?” Harry asks, his voice trailing as if he was going to say something else but stopped himself.

Liam glances up surprised, finding Harry turned all the way around, looking at him. “Uh, I dunno really,” he says quietly, his heart pounding for some reason. “Nothing, I guess.”

Harry smiles at him gently before he turns around and Liam finds himself grabbing Zayn’s arm tightly.

“Ouch,” Zayn says quietly, but he’s smiling and Liam smiles apolgetically at him before he loosens his grip.

“Sorry,” he whispers and when Zayn nudges his knee carefully with his own, Liam lets out a long-held sigh and tries to relax. He does pretty well until they pull up and he’s suddenly being blinded by bright flashes and there's a lot of yelling.

“Just keep your head down and keep walking,” Paul says from the front of the car before he slides out. Liam nods, because he knows that order is specifically directed at him. He scrambles out of the door after Zayn, and gratefully grabs his offered hand. Just as he’s wondering if he’s meant to reach out for Niall, Harry appears at his side and with a hand on his back and Zayn steering in front, they make their way past the fans as their bodyguards try to shield them as best they can.

“Nearly there Liam,” one of them, Paddy he thinks his name was, says brightly, even as he’s got a girl’s hand in his face, trying to push through for a picture.

“Thanks,” Liam says awkwardly because he’s really not sure what the etiquette is here. Then Harry’s pushing him through the hotel doors and Zayn’s guiding him into the elevator and Liam can breathe a little because it’s just the five of them and Paul, who has his back to them and is standing between them and the door like a barrier.

“It gets a bit crazy,” Niall offers, his voice sounding a little off. When Liam turns to look at him with a frown, Louis’ got his arm around Niall’s waist and Harry’s whispering something that’s making Niall grin weakly and maybe Liam's imagining it. Everyone sounds different anyway, he reminds himself. Except Niall looks paler than usual, which Liam knows because he’s just spent three hours in a hotel room staring at these boys and trying to find their younger selves in these new, older lads.

“Is everything alright?” Liam asks quietly, and Niall reaches out to pat his hand.

“Just a bit claustrophobic,” Niall says like it's no big deal.

“Is it always like that then?” Liam asks, concerned.

“Not always,” Zayn says. “But yeah. Sometimes.”

Liam can’t imagine a world where that many people turn up to see him. Except he doesn’t know how this whole thing works, so maybe he’s the unpopular one in the band and everyone’s just turned for the other boys. His heart sinks at the thought.

“What’s wrong?”

Liam’s head snaps up at Louis’ brusque tone, all too familiar. His shoulders hunch like usual and he curls into Zayn a little. “Nothing,” he murmurs, suddenly feeling far, far too tired. Everything just seems too much, all of a sudden and he’s got a horrible, childish urge to call his mum.

The doors open and Paul hustles them out, somehow keeping them bundled together until Louis’ slotting a keycard into the slot and they fall into a hotel room together.

“Just lay low for a bit, okay?” Paul says quietly to Louis, who nods. “Keep Liam here and remember to not overload him with stuff, yeah?”

“Got it,” Louis says and Liam can hear the slight edge to his voice. Wonders at it.

When the door closes behind Paul, Liam suddenly feels really nervous. Yet again they're all staring at him, like they're waiting for something but he doesn't have a clue what they want him to do or say. He can feel the frustration seeping through him and he ruthlessly pushes it back.

"I uh," he starts before his voice trails off nervously. "Um, I'm gonna like, go to bed I think. Pretty tired and just like, really weirded out, if I'm being honest."

"Yeah, no that's like, probably normal," Niall says, patting Liam's back before he steers him into the bathroom. "Use whatever's in there. This is yours and ... uh, your room anyway."

Niall's gone before Liam can ask him why he's flushing bright red, but he gets distracted by his reflection.

_Fuck._

He sees his reflection staring back at him, wide eyed and pale. His hand lifts slowly and he strokes his jaw carefully, bemused when he feels the bristle of stubble under his fingertips. His hair is much shorter and flattened where the bandage had been, although it had come off in the hospital before he left. His long, flat hair has gone and his face looks like it's lost its baby-faced look, replaced by something more mature. He looks so much older, he thinks as he starts to panic again. Part of him keeps hoping that this is some kind of prank or terrible dream, but the longer he waits and the more he sees, the less likely it all seems.

His eyes travel down and he takes in the way his shoulders seem broader and the definition in his arms. He can't help himself, flexing his arms and grinning foolishly as he sees the taut muscle and wonders if he's kept up his boxing while doing this whole band thing. He tugs up his vest and has to fight back a laugh at his toned stomach, sucking it in and letting it back out again, watching the muscles ripple. He lets his shirt fall back down and flips on the cold water tap, leaning down to splash his face and letting the cold water drip off his heated skin until he finally feels a bit more refreshed.

There are two toothbrushes lying by the sink, and when he glances around, he can see two of most things lying around so he figures he must be sharing with one of the boys. He grabs the hotel's complimentary toothbrush because he doesn't know which one is his and quickly brushes his teeth before he heads back into the room.

He pauses, confused when he sees the boys are all still there. For some reason, he'd assumed they'd leave him to it, but apparently they have other plans because no one looks like they're leaving any time soon.

"Oh uh, are you staying?" he asks, fiddling with the strings on his joggers.

"You don't mind, do you Payno?" Niall asks, and Liam blinks twice before he shrugs, his shoulders curling in a bit.

"No, I uh, I'm just gonna sleep if that's okay," he murmurs.

"Of course it is Liam," Harry says. He points to the bed where Louis and Niall are slumped together. "That's your bed."

"Oh right," he says, feeling more awkward than ever. He moves slowly forward, his heart thumping loudly in his chest as he waits for Louis and Niall to move, but they don't. He doesn't know how to just ask them to move, remembering the last time he'd asked Louis for anything and how he'd got an elbow to the ribs and sarcastic comment about boring wankers in response. He's too unstable, too emotional and too confused at the moment to deal with Louis, so he looks at Niall with pleading eyes, hoping he doesn't have to actually ask them to leave his bed.

"For fucks sake!" Louis' mouth tightens and he scowls as he gets off the bed, pushes past Liam and crosses the room heading for the door before he whirls around and he looks _furious_. "Are you seriously telling me that your last memory of us, of _me_ is back at the X Factor?"

Liam hates the way his chest tightens every time Louis yells at him. He hates the way his hands tremble and give his secrets away. He tilts his head back though and stares back at Louis. "My last memory of you, Louis, is you yelling that I was a boring knob who wouldn't know fun if it smacked me in the face."

The room falls silent but Liam's staring at Louis, watching as Louis' face drops and his eyes widen before he turns around and stalks out of the room, the door closing quietly behind him.

"I should ... fuck," Zayn mutters as he gets to his feet, but Harry stops him.

"Let me, yeah?" Harry murmurs and they have some kind of silent communication that is starting to drive Liam mad because he doesn't understand _any_ of it.

"Don't you want to stay here?" Zayn asks Harry quietly, to Liam's surprise.

Liam watches Harry lean in and whisper into Zayn's ear before Zayn pulls him into a tight hug. When he lets go, Harry turns to look at Liam for a second and Liam's given up wondering what anything means anymore. He closes his eyes and hears Harry leaving quietly.

" I just don't understand how I got here," he says quietly. He opens his eyes and finds Zayn and Niall watching him, wary and unsure. "I don't know you. I don't know any of you. You're all like, I don't know. But I've known you a few months, that's all. And now suddenly I'm here and you're all different. And I feel like I should have known Niall gets claustrophobic, but I didn't. There's so much missing, you know? I can't follow. I can't catch up."

Niall reaches out and tugs him down onto the bed. Liam falls easily, even though he still can't figure out how to relax properly when Niall cuddles him. "It'll come back, Liam. It's temporary, remember? And anyway, you don't have to figure it all out now. Give it some time, mate. Just try and relax, yeah?"

"Liam was always terrible at relaxing," Zayn says as he sits on the bed, reaching out to pat Liam's knee gently. "Always wanted to be going somewhere or doing something, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember," Niall says as his hand drifts up and down Liam's arm, making him shiver a bit.

"See, even this feels all wrong," Liam says quietly, fidgeting slightly before Zayn increases the pressure on his knee and he stops with a sigh. "I'm the one who always makes sure you're okay. But now, you're all like, confident and looking after me. It doesn't feel right."

"A lot's changed in the past few years, Liam," Zayn says, and again there's that complicated look he shares with Niall. "Just try and go with it, yeah? I know you're frustrated and everything seems crazy, but trust me, it's weird for us seeing you like you were too, you know?"

No, he doesn't know. At all.

"You should sleep," Niall tells him, sliding out of bed and letting Liam lay down and pull the covers up almost over his head while they move onto the sofa because apparently he's not going to be left alone. He falls asleep to frantic whispers and the low hum of the telly.

*

He's hot. And there's a lot of hair tickling his face. Squinting in the dark, he moves back and fights his disorientation. He's not seventeen. He's twenty and he's in a world famous band with four almost strangers who probably know him better than he knows himself right now. And the hair belongs to Harry.

Liam figures it's time to stop being so fucking confused about everything and just accept whatever it is that happens. So Harry's in his bed, and not sharing with Louis. Okay. It takes him a few seconds to realise that Louis and Zayn are in the other bed and Niall's on the sofa, curled up under a few duvets that must have come from another room. Maybe this is normal, he thinks as he tries to shift away from Harry's suffocating grip. He's almost managed to slide Harry's arm off his chest when Harry makes a noise and grabs him tighter, so he's completely spooned up against Harry's chest. And ... oh.

Liam tries to breathe through it. It's something he's gotten very good at, since meeting Harry. If he just concentrates on his breathing, in and out, in and out, then he can control his racing heartbeat and he can handle Harry pressing up against him or teasing him. It's not a big deal, he reminds himself. And hopefully he's gotten over it by now, in this reality. He just has to get his memories back and he'll laugh at the crush he used to have on his bandmate.

It's just temporary.

But maybe right now, in the early hours of whatever day it is, whatever year it is, wherever the fuck they are, maybe Liam can just pretend for a moment. He lets his hands ghost over Harry's where they're flat on his tummy, pressing down just a little until he can feel Harry's arms tighten imperceptibly around him, making his stomach swoop. It's weird to think that Harry, the baby of the group, has turned out to be the tallest of them all, that he's got tattoos covering his entire body from what Liam can see, little scribbles that tell a tale Liam doesn't know. But he wants to. God, he wants to know everything. He wants to know who these boys are. Who _he_ is. How they work together, or how they don't work together. He wants to know if it's everything he thought it would be, when he hid under his covers at home and dreamt of this.

He shifts, turning around slowly in Harry's arms until he can look at him. He's unable to stop himself from reaching up to gently push Harry's hair away from his face, and god it's so long and soft now. It seems to have lost a bit of its curl, but he likes it. God, he likes everything about this Harry, which is just as awkward as it's always been for him. His fingertip traces down Harry's face, learning the new lines around his eyes and mouth and wondering what caused them. It's not like he hasn't noticed how much older they all look, aging much quicker than he thinks is normal in four years. His finger traces Harry's lips before he lets his hand fall onto the sheets between them.

"Hey babe," Harry mumbles, his voice thick with sleep and his eyes still closed. Liam jerks back in surprise and Harry's arms tighten around him as his eyes open and Liam feels horribly warm all of a sudden, watching as Harry's lips curve into a smile.

Before Harry freezes like he's just remembering.

His arms loosen and Liam shivers, drawing the covers closer around him to combat the sudden chill in the air.

"Sorry," Liam mumbles, his cheeks flushing as he stares down at the bed to avoid Harry's gaze. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"S'alright, Liam, you didn't wake me," Harry says, his voice still slow and sleepy. "How are you feeling?"

Liam manages a smile as he looks up finally. "Confused," he whispers. "Is this normal?" he waves his arms between the two of them and Harry frowns at him. "I mean like, everyone sleeping in the same room."

"Oh, like, we share rooms on tour, sometimes," Harry says as he tucks his hands under his pillow. "But we don't normally crowd in together. Everyone just wanted to make sure you were alright, you know? Like, in case you woke up and got like, scared or something."

Liam wants to bristle at the insinuation that he'd be scared, but mostly he wants to bury his head into Harry's shoulder and ask a million questions, like how is it possible that they can all care about him so much? Or why do they have so many screaming fans outside their hotel? Or did his parents just let him go after the X Factor or did they try and stop him?

"Oh god, my parents," he mutters half under his breath.

"It's okay, I ... we've talked to them," Harry says, his hand slipping out from under his pillow and reaching for Liam before he pauses. He looks up at Liam like he's asking a question and Liam nods, not sure what he's saying yes to really but knowing that if this is going to work, if he's going to try and figure out how to get his memory back, then everyone else needs to do what comes natural to them, no matter how uncomfortable it makes Liam feel. Harry's hand settles lightly on Liam's hip and he manages to stop himself from flinching. "They're fine. A bit worried, but fine."

Liam's fear eases, but he'll call them later, reassure them that he's okay.

"So what's your last memory of me then?" Harry asks, and Liam's aware that it's an attempt at a distraction as he smiles at Harry gratefully.

"I was in one of the rehearsal rooms," Liam says, his voice softening a bit. "You'd gone to check on Louis and then you'd snuck into the room without me realising. You jumped on my back and we fell down together."

"Yeah, I remember," Harry says, his hand covering Liam's on the bed. After a moment, Liam turns his hand around and Harry tangles their fingers together and Liam's rewarded with a smile that he returns shyly.

They're interrupted by Niall waking up and soon everyone's up and there's a lot of noise and shouting and banter that Liam just sits and listens to, knees curled up under his chin as he wraps his arms round his legs. They all seem to fit together, Liam realises. From the way Niall laughs at everything Louis says, even when it doesn't seem all that funny to Liam, or the way Harry listens to Zayn when it seems like no one else is.

As they head down to breakfast, Liam follows Louis out of the door and reaches out, his hand circling Louis' arm. When Louis freezes and turns to look at him, Liam drops his arm quickly and steps back, his breath catching.

"Yeah?" Louis asks, and his voice isn't as hard as Liam remembers but there's definitely an edge to it that Liam hates.

"I'm sorry, about last night," Liam says falteringly, shuffling his feet a little as he hears the others stop down the hall, far enough away not to hear but close enough if it erupts into an argument. He imagines it's a thing they've developed for the two of them. "I just ... I feel like I upset you and I'm sorry."

"Liam," Louis sighs before he glances over Liam's shoulder at the boys. "You haven't done anything wrong, okay? It's not your fault, all this stuff. What you remember and what you can't. Don't apologise for things that happened so long ago."

"Fine," Liam says stiffly, feeling worse than he had before. He turns on his heel and heads towards the boys, ignoring the heavy sigh behind him. Harry slips past him and Liam grabs onto Zayn for support as he hears Harry and Louis talking quietly behind them.

He ignores them. He ignores them all day, even when Louis' barking orders about where they're going to go and who's doing what. He knows he should be grateful because he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing or where he's going or what he's meant to be doing, but Louis' voice makes him tense up and he can't _help_ it.

What's worse is the way Louis keeps reaching for him throughout the day. Every time, Liam steps back and Louis stops what he's doing, shaking his head like he's silently shouting at himself. And there's always an awkward moment after that Niall tries to fill. Liam would be amused if he didn't feel so off-kilter and bloody scared all the time. He doesn't know _why_ Louis keeps reaching for him, is the thing.

Calling his mum doesn't help because she mostly just cries the whole time. Eventually Liam has to cut the call short, pretending he has somewhere he has to be while promising that he's fine and he just slides down the wall to sit on the floor, eyes closed as he curls in on himself.

And he ... god he remembers. Feeling like this before. This crushing feeling of disappointment in himself on the X Factor stage, standing at the end of their line, Harry's arm big and firm on his shoulder as he listens to Louis telling Dermot about his best experience and Zayn telling him that this isn't the end of One Direction.

He wonders if he's on the end of the line on purpose. If maybe he's always on the end, in the periphery because he's not really meant to be there.

He pushes the thought away as far as he can, then he stands up, brushes himself down and heads back to find the boys.

*

"It's good, you remembering things," Niall tells him when he tells the boys. They've cancelled a week's worth of shows so mostly they're playing their songs to Liam in the vain hopes that it'll jog his memory (they don't) or if Liam doesn't start remembering soon, he'll have to learn them all from scratch. He's glad he likes the songs for the most part and he's found himself tapping along to a few songs. They sound good together, he realises, and it's a bit of a relief to be honest.

"It's just one thing," Liam reminds him, because he'd half-hoped everything would start coming back but so far it's just that one memory.

"One thing is a start," Louis says from across the room, and Liam starts because he hadn't even realised Louis was listening.

"You've got that One Thing!" Harry sings loudly and Liam smiles because he recognises it.

"The rest will come," Zayn says confidently.

"Yeah, I think it will," Liam says.

"Can't fucking wait," Louis mutters. He gets an elbow from Harry and Liam looks away, his face dropping.

"Lou," he hears Harry say warningly.

"No, I'm allowed to be pissed about this," Liam spins around, seeing Louis get to his feet. "He flinches every time I go near him, do you see that? Do you see the fucking look in his eyes when I speak or reach out to him? Because I do and it fucking sucks! I spent so long ... we worked so fucking hard ... I can't do it again. I can't!"

Liam stares as Louis storms out of the room and Harry walks towards him and crouches down, looking miserable. "Liam. Don't get upset by this, okay? Louis' just finding this really hard and he's angry, but it's not with you, okay?"

Liam nods, even though he doesn't really believe a word Harry's saying. Harry pats his shoulder awkwardly and he stands up, following Louis out of the room.

"I don't get it," Liam says finally when no one else speaks. "I don't get how we've existed together in this band when we can't stand each other. How does that even work? He hates me."

"Shit," Zayn mumbles before Liam feels two bodies pressing either side of him. He doesn't know which way to fall so he stays upright, rigid. "He doesn't hate you, Liam. God if you only _knew_ how much he doesn't hate you."

"Yeah, he does," Liam says clearly, wringing his hands together.

"He doesn't," Niall says firmly, and Liam glances at him. Niall stares back at him, serious and solemn in a way Liam hasn't ever seen him be before. "You're like, partners. Totally inseparable. You rely on each other, like, with loads of band responsibilities and stuff."

"He's a bit lost without you, that's why he keeps getting frustrated," Zayn says quietly, and Liam's having a hard time breathing. "You should talk to him. He's really, like, he loves you, Liam. He loves you so much. And I know you don't remember, but you love him too. Like, a crazy amount."

Liam's staring at both of them in complete shock. He knows they're not lying because he can see the sincerity in their faces, but it still doesn't sit right within him. Him and Louis? Inseparable?

"Come on," Niall says as he scrambles to his feet and pulls Liam up. "Let's go find them."

Liam doesn't stop them both tugging him out of the room and they unerringly find Louis and Harry sitting in the hallway outside their rooms.

"I think they need to talk," Zayn says to Harry who nods, pats Louis' knee and stands up, wincing as he shakes his legs a little like he's trying to find feeling in them again.

"We'll be just inside," Harry tells Liam before he gathers Zayn and Niall into a huddle and they fall into Zayn's room together, leaving Liam and Louis alone.

Christ, it's just so awkward.

"I uh," Liam says, before he stops and bites his bottom lip. He sinks to the floor opposite Louis and forces himself to meet Louis' gaze. "Zayn and Niall, they said we uh, we're quite close."

Louis doesn't say anything, but Liam can see the clench of his jaw and the way his fingers dig into his thighs.

"You've got to help me out here, Lou," Liam says in frustration, throwing his hands up and leaning forward. "My memories of you are from a long time ago. I'm sorry I forgot, okay? I'm sorry I forgot ... you." His voice trails off as Louis looks away and swipes at his eyes. "Shit, I'm sorry, okay? I don't know ... I don't know how we work. You have to _tell_ me."

"I tried so hard, Li," Louis says in a small voice that Liam really, really doesn't like at all. "I worked so hard to understand you. We both did, to understand each other. And I don't know if I can do it again."

Liam swallows around the thick lump in his throat as he lifts his knees and rests his chin on them. "If you think I'm not worth it, it's okay Lou," he mumbles, his own gaze dropping as he blinks at the sudden moisture in his eyes. "I understand. Maybe I'll just like, remember. And we can be, uh, whatever we are now."

"Shut up," Louis says fiercely and there's a body pressing against his side, an arm curling around his shoulders. "Of course you're fucking worth it, Liam. That's not ... fuck. I'm not used to this anymore, trying to explain myself to you. Haven't done it in ages."

"Sorry," Liam mumbles, stiff and unsure.

Louis' arm reaches down over his shoulder and Liam grabs his hand, stopping him from getting too close to his nipple because he might have amnesia but he still _knows_ Louis. Louis links their fingers together and sighs, knocking his leg against Liam's gently. "You're my best friend," he says quietly, and Liam sucks in a harsh breath because those are words he never thought Louis would say. Not to him. "I miss you. And I hate seeing you like this, all scared and shy and drawn in. How you used to be. And not letting me anywhere near you. Fuck, Liam. That fucking hurts."

"How am I now then?" Liam asks after a moment.

"A bit of an idiot, to be honest," Louis says with a sharp grin, and Liam laughs because he can't help it.

"Like you then," he teases quietly, testing and Louis laughs loudly.

"Yeah, just like me Payno," he crows, sounding delighted. "You're silly and mischievous; I can always count on you to do something stupid if I ask you to. You dance like a twat on stage and you can't hold your drink. Oh, you drink now because your kidney is magic and healed itself. You can't let a joke go and you think I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you."

"Oh," Liam says, because that's a lot to take in. He tries to grin, he really does, but it still feels like Louis' making fun of him and he really, really doesn't like it.

"You're also the most loyal person I've ever met," Louis says in a softer voice, and Liam makes a muffled sound against his knee. His grip on Louis' hand tightens a little. "You're horribly sweet and fun and when my voice goes on stage, you're always there to cover me, sounding better than me, you wanker. We wrote half the last album together, and there's no one else I want to write with, who'll finish what I start. You listen when I need to talk and none of this, One Direction, would have happened without you."

Liam isn't sure he's breathing but he leans his head down onto Louis' shoulder like it's the most natural thing to do in the world and he finds himself engulfed in a hug that's too tight but he kind of likes it anyway.

"Louis, can I ask you something?" Liam's voice sounds muffled because he's got half of Louis' jumper in his mouth but he can't pull back because Louis won't let go of him.

"Yes, I'm your favourite," Louis says on a loud sigh, before he laughs and Liam grins into the jumper. Maybe they _can_ do this. "What is it, Payno?"

"How did Zayn get so bloody pretty?" he asks, laughing as he hears Louis squawk before he's yanked back and Louis' glaring at him. Except this time he can see the glint of humour in his eyes and it makes Liam feel like he belongs here, just a bit.

"No one knows," Louis answers in a long-suffering tone. "He's fucking vain, that one. But it just kind of ... happened?"

"He's much more confident, like, just within himself," Liam murmurs.

"Hey, you are too, you know," Louis says, bumping their heads together none-too-gently and drawing a wince from Liam. "You and Niall and Zayn, actually. Loads more confidence. Don't tell anyone, but I think that young Nialler could do with a bit less confidence, you know?"

Liam stares at him in shock, before Louis bursts out laughing. "Liam, c'mon. We're a family, you know? There are no secret riffs or jealous or whatever between us. Anything anyone says to you about the other boys is a joke, okay? First amnesia lesson."

And maybe he can see it. Maybe he can see how with a bit of compromise, he and Louis can be mates.

*

For the rest of the day, Louis doesn't leave his side. He's constantly whispering in his ear, filling in missing information for Liam. Apparently Zayn's engaged to another popstar X Factor alum, Niall's dated supermodels and reality TV stars, Harry's got a group of hella famous friends and Louis has played professional football. Liam does his best to squash the feelings of inadequacy inside at the stories, but they linger inside, right at the centre of the gaping hole of his memory.

He's grateful when Zayn suggests they teach Liam a few of their songs just in case, and they head back to the rehearsal room. Harry hands him the lyrics to the first three songs in their set and they sing for him. Harry sings his parts for him and Liam hums along with him as best he can. It takes a few hours but soon he's got the songs down perfect, and the boys dive on him in a huge congratulatory pile, leaving Liam breathless and overwhelmed.

*

Liam wakes up to find Harry wrapped around him again. He's pretty certain he went to bed alone last night, the rest of the boys still in Louis' room watching crap telly. A quick glance around the room tells him that it's just the two of them this morning, which seems odd but then again, everything still seems odd to him, and Harry was always a bit clingy anyway.

"Harry," he whispers, too hot and knowing from experience that Harry won't let him go in his sleep. "Harry, wake up, yeah?"

"Five more minutes babe," Harry mumbles into his neck and Liam feels the helpless shiver race through his body.

"Harry, get off me," Liam says, a bit more urgently because he can feel his dick fucking stirring and Harry lets go, rolling onto his back and staring up at the ceiling.

"Sorry," he mumbles with a sigh.

Liam rolls onto his back and stares up too, his breathing a bit erratic and his hands bunched into fists. "I don't mind," he says, because he doesn't, and he likes to feel Harry pressed up against him far too much. "You're just a bit of a koala when you sleep."

"A koala?" Harry's voice seems to have deepened even more.

"Yeah. Dunno why I thought about that," Liam says self-consciously with a brittle attempt at a laugh. "Weird."

"So have you remembered anything else then?" Harry asks quietly.

Liam shrugs. "Not really," he confesses. "Frustrating as hell."

"Yeah," Harry says on a sigh.

"I just don't know how to act around you guys," Liam blurts out before he smacks his hand over his mouth and grimaces, closing his eyes.

"Hey," Harry murmurs, turning onto his side and tugging Liam around, his eyes soft and understanding. "I know it's confusing. And it'll probably be confusing until you remember everything. But just, do whatever comes natural. Whatever you feel like doing. Nothing you do is wrong, okay? Nothing you feel is wrong."

He's pretty sure the urge to lean forward and kiss Harry is wrong though.

Liam bites his lip and stares somewhere over Harry's shoulder. "What if my memories never come back? What if everything stays blank?"

"That's not going to happen," Harry says sharply, drawing Liam's gaze back to him. "It's just not, okay? And even if they never come back, we'll make new memories to replace the old ones."

"But what if it's never the same?" Liam whispers, voicing his biggest fear. "What if I'm never the same as I was? What happens to the band? What if you don't like who I am now? What if everything's too different?"

Liam feels himself being pushed back into the mattress as Harry rolls over on top of him and gazes at him fiercely. It's another new look that Liam stores away, even as he's uncomfortably aware that Harry's pressed up against him and Liam just wants to fucking kiss him.

"Stop it," Harry all but growls, and Liam's eyes widen. "You're still _you_ , Liam. A version of you. And we all love you, whichever version of you it is. We loved you during the X Factor and we love you now and we've loved you through everything in between."

Liam feels a horrible sob right in the middle of his chest but Harry's leaning down to cuddle him, wrapping his long limbs around Liam. Liam sneaks his arms around Harry's waist because Harry told him to do what felt natural and fuck it, this feels natural. Harry hums gently into his neck, squeezing him too tight for a second and Liam can feel Harry's racing heartbeat before he lets go and Liam can breathe again.

"So do we share hotel rooms then?" Liam asks as Harry falls onto the bed next to him. "Like, me and you?"

"Yeah, usually," Harry says slowly. "You can share with one of the others though, if that's more comfortable for you."

"No," Liam says quickly before he takes a breath and steadies himself. "No, it's fine. I was just curious. And do you like, normally get in my bed then?"

He watches Harry fight back a smile. "Uh, yeah, actually. I don't like sleeping alone. But I can share with one of the others if you need your space or something. Anything you want or anything you're feeling is fine, Liam. If you want me to get lost, just tell me. It's okay."

"No it's, like, sometimes it's a bit empty. Lonely. Not knowing, you know?" Liam stumbles a bit over what he's trying to say but Harry just smiles like he understands. Liam deflates a bit and tries a smile. "It's nice to wake up with someone there. Even if you are really clingy in your sleep. Not that I should be surprised because you've always been the clingiest."

"Heyyy, have not!" Harry says, feigning outrage and giving Liam a shove and Liam has to stop himself falling off the edge of the bed.

And it's instinctive, the urge to curl up and make himself small, so he does.

"I forgot," Harry murmurs, his hand whispering against Liam's hip. "God, I'm sorry, Liam. I forgot. It's been so long and this is just what we do now, like playfight and stuff. I'm sorry."

"S'okay," Liam murmurs, but he can't seem to unfurl himself.

He feels Harry slip out of bed and he wants to reach out to him, to tell him it's fine, but he can't.

Harry crouches down in front of him and strokes his cheek so gently that Liam wants to cry. "I understand, Liam. You don't remember, but you've told me. About your school and how you're not comfortable with like, touching and cuddling. I just forgot because I'm an idiot and sometimes it's hard to remember that you, well that you don't."

Liam nods, although he feels awful because it's not Harry's fault that Liam's the way he is.

"I'll just ..." Harry sighs and gets to his feet, padding out of the room and leaving Liam feeling like a complete bastard. He forces his muscles to relax, one by one until he can roll back against the mattress and squeeze his eyes shut.

"Liam?"

"I think I upset Harry," he says dejectedly. He just keeps screwing up because he doesn't understand the rules of this life.

"He's fine," Niall says, coming closer until Liam feels him sink down onto the bed. "He understands. He's just annoyed with himself because he keeps forgetting."

"Maybe it's catching," Liam jokes weakly.

"The thing about Harry is," Niall says slowly, his accent coming through a bit thicker. "Is that he hates upsetting people. He cares too much, you know? He hates that he hurts you, even a little, because he would never, not on purpose."

Liam nods even as his chest constricts and he reaches for Niall's hand, holding on tightly. "I don't want to hurt him either."

"He's fine," Niall says and his voice sounds normal again. "Louis' petting his hair and telling him how wonderful he is."

The image hurts. "Niall, is there something I should know about the band?" Liam asks. "Are there like, relationships that I should know about?"

"Liam," Niall groans before his head drops to his hands. "I fuckin' knew I should have woken up Zayn for this. S'complicated."

"It's okay, you don't have to tell me," Liam says, even as his heart drops because he knows the answer anyway. "I'll remember eventually, right?"

"Right," Niall says, peeking through his fingers and making Liam laugh. He hesitates for a second before he pulls Niall down into an awkward cuddle that Niall shifts around in until it's much more comfortable. "In the meantime, we've got some songs to teach ya."

"So I guess Zayn's not got any better at getting up in the mornings?" Liam asks as he stretches long and hard before he gets out of bed and heads for the shower.

"Nope, still a lazy arse," Niall says cheerfully.

"It's good to know not everything's changed then," Liam says softly before he closes the bathroom door behind him.

*

"I feel like I'm nineteen again and stuck in rehearsals with Daddy Direction again," Louis moans as he drops to the floor and stares mutinously at Liam.

It takes a second for the words to filter through Liam's mind, since he's focused on trying not freezing up at Louis' tone. "Daddy Direction?"

"Liam hasn't been Daddy Direction in years, Tommo!" Niall crows delightedly, throwing his arm around Liam's shoulders and pulling him in close. "Too much of a troublemaker nowadays."

"What's Daddy Direction?" Liam wants to know, even though he's certain he can figure it out.

"You used to be so sensible and boring. It suited you," Louis says, pulling a face. "Luckily I came along to sort you right out and make you fun."

"I just wanted to be the best we could be," Liam murmurs, half to himself because it's all he's ever known or wanted. And he's maybe a little proud that they're as big as the boys say they are, because it's like everything paid off, in the end.

"He's teasing," Zayn murmurs in his ear and well, Liam _knows_ he's teasing but it's still a bit painful. He wonders if he ever got used to Louis calling him boring or whether it still hurts as much as it does right now.

"Hey, Daddy Direction was totally a necessity in the history of this band," Louis says, glancing up at Liam and winking at him. "Never would have gotten anything done without Daddy Direction, not when I was too busy being a wanker and distracting everyone."

"You balanced each other out," Harry says quietly from across the room. Liam looks up to see him sitting in the window, his eyes glued to his phone as he texts and talks at the same time. "Needed both of you."

"Quite a team we are," Louis says proudly and Liam wants to feel that pride, but mostly he's just watching Harry who's not really come near him all day.

In fact, over the next 24 hours he only sees Harry in the rehearsal room. He falls asleep alone and wakes up alone, and he thinks maybe it's his imagination that the other side of the bed, Harry's side, feels warmer than it should if Liam's slept alone. He doesn't see him at breakfast or dinner, and he doesn't bundle into Louis' room in the evening. He's gotten used to having all the boys around all the time like it was back at the X Factor house, and he wonders if they're only all hanging around now because of his head and his memory loss, and whether they all have very separate lives on tour. Louis kicks them all out of his room after his phone rings and he gets suggestive leers from Niall about wanting to be alone and Liam figures Harry's phoning to see if the coast is clear, or something.

"I suppose you're off to call Perrie then," Niall says as they step into the hallway, nudging Zayn with his elbow.

"Yeah, think I will," Zayn says, fishing his phone out even as he's leaning in to hug Liam goodnight. He's getting more used to it now, the touching. He's still not quite there like the other guys are, but he doesn't tense up nearly as much.

"Don't tell me you're leaving me too," Niall turns to Liam and gives him a pout that has Liam laughing because it looks so ridiculous.

"Nah, you can come hang out at mine," Liam says, taking out his keycard and letting them inside. "So, uh, where's Harry been today?"

"Missing him then?" Niall asks and it sounds innocent enough so Liam just frowns and slides onto the bed, grabbing the control and flicking the telly to a music channel and leaving the volume on low.

"I just wondered because he hasn't been around much," Liam shrugs as casually as he can manage. "Is that normal?"

"I'll be honest Payno," Niall says as he grabs a can of coke from the mini-bar, "nothing's been normal since the day you fell and cracked your head open."

Liam watches as Niall opens the tab on his can and it's like a light switches on in his head. "We played Madison Square Garden," he murmurs.

"Yeah, told you about that yesterday, right?" Niall nods as he sinks down onto the bed next to Liam. "Finally sinking in then? Don't blame ya. I'm still a bit dubious about it being real even now. And I actually remember being there!"

"I remember," Liam says, his voice a bit wobbly because not only can he picture it, but he can remember exactly how it felt. "We were backstage. Everyone was bouncing around and Harry started singing something." He vividly remembers wanting to lean in and kiss him but that's not something Niall needs to know. "Then we put our hands in together. You were drinking a can of coke and Louis ordered you to put it down because ..."

"Because the hands in is sacred," Niall finishes for him, his eyes bright and his face so bloody excited. "Liam! That's an honest to god memory you've got there!"

"I was so nervous," Liam murmurs, still back in the Garden. "Were you?"

"Every fuckin' time we go on stage mate," Niall says brightly. "Never goes away. Especially at the Garden, Jesus."

"Wow," Liam says before he starts to laugh in disbelief. "Fucking hell, Niall. We played at the Garden!"

"That's pretty much what you were like for a week after," Niall tells him, amused. "We all were."

"God, I loved you all so much," Liam whispers, closing his eyes to let the emotions roll over him again and again until he's smiling so hard his cheeks hurt and he pulls Niall in for a bone-crushing hug. "I remember thinking that I wouldn't want to be doing it with anyone else in the world than with my boys."

"Always were a soppy bastard," Niall mutters into his chest but Liam can feel Niall's fingers digging into his back a bit harder and he doesn't want to ever let go. He doesn't want to ever forget this feeling ever again.

*

He wakes up with a smile on his face because he can feel the weight of someone sleeping behind him. He turns carefully, an apology on his lips for what happened two days ago but it goes unsaid as he's faced with Niall, lying on his back with his mouth open and a trail of drool down the side of his mouth. He squashes the feeling of disappointment in his belly because he can hardly expect Harry to spend every night with him, not when his boyfriend is next door. And Liam really needs to start figuring out how to get over his crush on Harry, not falling deeper. If nothing else, it's hardly fair on Louis to have Liam mooning over his boyfriend, no matter how close everyone says they are.

"M'up," Niall mumbles, even though Liam hasn't said a word or moved. His eyes open slowly and he swipes at his mouth, making Liam grin. "Fuck, didn't mean to fall asleep. S'gonna kill me."

"Who's going to kill you?" Liam asks, because it's a weird thing to say. Or he thinks it's a weird thing to say, he's really not sure about anything anymore.

"Oh, uh, Zayn," Niall says quickly as he stumbles out of bed. "He'll be wondering where I got to."

"But you don't share," Liam says, because everyone has their own rooms. Except him and Harry, apparently, but from what he can tell from the past few nights, it's probably just as a cover and Harry spends most of his nights with Louis.

"Yeah, but he's a right mother hen sometimes," Niall explains as he yanks on his clothes. "Gotta go shower. See you at breakfast, yeah?"

Liam doesn't have time to respond before the door closes behind him and Liam's left lying in bed, staring at the wall, feeling horribly alone for no reason at all.

*

When he makes it down for breakfast, he sits next to Zayn and opposite Niall as they fill him in on what they'll be rehearsing today. He's almost got all the songs down now, so they'll be ready to hit the stage even if Liam's still missing his memories, nervous as he is. Louis and Harry come down together for breakfast and Liam's about to shuffle along so they can all fit around one table when he sees Harry whisper something to Louis that makes him frown but they sit at another table almost at the other side of the restaurant.

It happens again at lunchtime, except this time it's Harry and Zayn sitting together while Louis talks his ear off at a different table.

When Harry and Niall disappear for dinner, Liam shoves his plate of pasta away and looks at Zayn miserably. "Harry hates me, right?"

Zayn chokes on his broccoli and Louis just stares at him.

"It's okay, I'd rather know," Liam says miserably. "He's been avoiding me. M'not stupid."

"He's not ... well, yes he is," Louis says, grimacing as he punches Liam in the arm, and Liam doesn't even flinch. "But he doesn't hate you, Liam."

"Okay," Liam says as he picks up his fork and Louis changes the subject abruptly to the latest saga of Doris and Ernest, who Liam now knows more about than himself.

He ends up just moving the pasta around his plate without taking another bite because he feels like he might choke on it. He winds up saying goodnight early and waving their protests away as he tells them he just needs to be alone tonight.

Liam spends the night with the telly on low, texting his mum and Andy, who's been texting him non-stop since news of his accident hit the internet, and googling his name, which brings up far too many things for Liam to process so he quickly forgets that idea and scrolls through his phone, checking old messages for clues as to how he used to be.

He doesn't have a single message from Harry. Not one. He double checks and he definitely has Harry's number but they haven't exchanged a single text. He checks the rest of the lads and he's got long text conversations from everyone else (Louis sending him random links that he thinks are songwriting links but he'll check later, random texts from Zayn sent at all times of the day where he mostly sounds high and a series of texts from Niall telling Liam to stop bothering him about his knee and he's fine, which Liam'll ask him about tomorrow).

He's still awake, not for lack of trying to sleep though, when he hears Harry and Niall giggling in the hallway. There's whispering and raised, muffled voices before the door opens. Liam keeps his breathing even as someone crosses the room.

"Liam?" Harry murmurs. He can hear rustling and movement around the room before the mattress sinks down a little. Harry's hand slips over his waist and Liam's barely breathing as he relaxes back into Harry's body and feels Harry's breath ghosting across his neck. "Please don't hate me, Liam," he murmurs.

His breathing evens out quickly and Liam's left staring into the dark, more confused than ever.

*

He's tired and cranky, having hardly slept at all and to find Harry gone in the morning when he finally wakes up from a fitful doze. He glares at Louis over breakfast, who just grins back at him and he ignores Zayn when he tries to get Liam to talk. During rehearsal, he snaps at Niall for not coming in at the right time, and that's when he sinks to the floor, full of apologies while Niall just laughs at him, unconcerned.

"Payno, it's fine, you've shouted at me loads during rehearsals, proper diva you are," Niall calls over, while Liam just shakes his head in despair.

"Liam," Harry murmurs, sinking down next to him. "What's up?"

"Oh, you're not avoiding me today then?" the words are out before Liam shuts his mouth with a grimace.

"We'll just give you two some time," Louis says brightly before he herds the boys out of the room, leaving absolute silence behind him as Liam stares miserably at the shiny wooden floor and wishes he could just sink through it.

"Liam," is all he says, and Liam wants to be anywhere but here right now.

"I know you don't like me," he says quickly, because he's always been a believer in ripping off a plaster fast rather than peeling it off slowly. "You've been avoiding me. And you never text me. And I guess I never text you either. Do we not get on?"

Harry looks about as wretched as Liam feels, and he takes Harry's silence as an affirmation. "Maybe we could try again, then," he says in a small voice, because he can't stand the thought of Harry hating him. "Fuck, please Harry. Whatever it is that I do that you don't like, I can stop doing it. I don't even remember, right? So I can just change it. Blank slate and all that."

He's babbling but Harry's just looking sadder and sadder. "C'mon Harry," Liam pleads quietly. "We can be friends, I know we can. We used to be, back at the X Factor. Remember? You'd come and curl up next to me and we'd talk about all the things we wanted to do and see and have."

Liam has no idea what's happened in the years between, but he'll change everything if Harry will just stop hating him.

"I remember," Harry says. He's got his eyes closed and his head tipped back against the wall and all Liam can think about is the curve of his throat and how much he wants to taste it.

"Were we never mates then?" Liam asks eventually.

Harry's face twists almost painfully and Liam has to turn away because he can't bear to see it. "Did I do something? Something that I can't remember then?"

"No Liam, of course not." He almost jumps out of his skin when Harry's large hand covers his. He turns his hand slowly, waiting for Harry to move away but he doesn't, letting Liam knit their fingers together. "We can be mates. We _are_ mates, yeah?"

"Will you come and sleep with me sometimes? Like you did?" Liam whispers because he knows he shouldn't be asking, but Harry crept into his bed last night and Harry told him to do what felt natural.

Sleeping with Harry feels more natural than everything else he's done in the past few days since he woke up.

Harry nods, once, almost jerkily but Liam'll take it. "We can watch a movie or something, tonight if you're not busy with like, Louis or something," Liam says, too eagerly but he doesn't care all that much.

"Yeah," Harry says and his face finally softens. "Yeah, that'd be nice. What d'you wanna watch? Something new?"

Liam shakes his head determinedly. "No. No new stuff. I like familiar," he explains slowly. "Something comforting. Like the Lion King or something."

"The Lion King?" Harry chokes out, and Liam winces at the way Harry's hand has tightened around his. "Not Toy Story?"

"No," Liam says curiously. "Is there something wrong with the Lion King? Do you not like it or something?"

"I love the Lion King," Harry assures him and there's a different look on his face. Something like determination. "Who's your favourite character then? I like Pumbaa."

"Simba, obviously," Liam says, nudging Harry's knee with his own, his head ducked down in a smile. "He's like the hero, yeah?"

"Yeah," Harry says softly. "Yeah, I guess he is."

*

Harry stops avoiding him and Liam realises that he's fucked up, because now Harry's there every time he looks around. And it's both brilliant and awful all at once and Liam's not got the emotional development he needs to deal with all the things he feels when he looks at Harry.

He thought it was bad when he was seventeen and Harry was this bright, beautiful little spark who looked up to him and made him feel needed. It's so much worse now that Harry's twenty and confident, still beautiful but more like a steady flame than a spark and all the more dangerous.

He's found his rhythm with Louis now, helped by the memory of MSG, of how much he loves Louis. He clings to it a bit whenever Louis reaches for his nipples and Liam manages to somehow stop him, and it's taken him a few days to realise it's a big ruse anyway because Louis just wants to hold his hand or sling his arm over Liam's shoulder.

But Harry is different because Harry makes him want things he can't have.

They're sitting in the rehearsal room and Liam's feeling antsy partly because of Harry but partly because he hasn't left the hotel since his release from the hospital. Niall's trying to distract him with videos of them in interviews and behind the scenes stuff, and it's working a bit but Liam still feels a bit jittery. Niall keeps pointing things out that Liam should be paying attention to and he smiles and nods and keeps his gaze on the iPad even if he's dreaming of going for a run. Racing through the park and feeling the wind and the sun on his skin.

He's so distracted by the thought that he doesn't really pay attention to the videos all that much at first. Until he sees him and Harry, sitting behind the other three, giggling into each other. Curious, he pays more attention. In the next clip Niall pulls up, he's sitting between Harry and Zayn, and Zayn's half-hanging off his shoulder looking bored and sleepy and again, Harry keeps leaning in to whisper into his ear and Liam can see. He can _see_ how happy he is to have Harry's attention. And Harry keeps leaning into him, seeking him out.

It happens again and again. Any time they're sat together, Liam sees himself light up and he sees Harry constantly distracting him. It makes no sense. Unless it's just an act, but Liam's terrible at acting, he remembers that much at least. He distinctly remembers a school play where his role was the non-speaking role of 'Guest Two' because he was so bad.

He puzzles over it until Zayn disappears for a cigarette and Niall and Harry disappear in search of snacks, leaving Liam and Louis alone. Louis' got his head in Liam's lap and he's stroking Louis' hair absently, his mind on the videos.

"Keep forgetting about your memory thing," Louis mumbles, sounding half asleep. "You do this all the time. I mean, the old you did. Before the accident."

It always makes Liam feel a bit better, a bit less insecure when one of the boys tells him that he's doing something the old Liam would do. It makes him feel more himself somehow. Like he's moving back to who he's meant to be. Like he's fitting back into whatever role he had before in this group. In his life.

"Lou, can I ask you a question?" Liam asks, keeping his voice low and even as best he can. He keeps his hand steady in Louis' hair even when he feels Louis tense slightly underneath him.

"Yes I'm your favourite but no we've never hooked up, not for lack of trying on your part," Louis says blithely before he pinches Liam's thigh.

"Don't think you're my type," Liam says, mostly because Louis doesn't have bright green eyes and dimples and a soft, sweet smile and he doesn't tell the worst jokes in the world with a hopeful grin. "It's about Harry. I thought that maybe we didn't, uh, like each other very much. But those videos Niall was playing. We seemed quite, like, close? Or was that just for the cameras? It's fine, either way. I'd just like to know."

Louis takes a breath before he sits up, his hand absently patting his hair back into place where Liam's fingers have worked it into a bit of a mess. "It wasn't just for the cameras, Payno. You and Harry are pretty close. Closer than anyone, in fact."

Liam wants to instantly deny it because that doesn't match up with anything that's happened since he'd woken up in the hospital. "But he avoids me."

"You know, s'pretty hard, watching you look at us blankly before you try and cover it up," Louis says quietly. "The rest of us have thicker skins but Harry takes it to heart. He tries not to let you see, but he hates that you can't remember him."

"But I can't remember _any_ of you!" Liam says in frustration before he ruthlessly shoves that emotion back down. "It's hardly selective. I can't remember Zayn and he still acts normal around me."

"Just give Harry some time, Liam," Louis says, reaching out to pat Liam's arm. "He just misses you."

"You're his boyfriend," Liam says as flatly as he can manage, keeping his emotions firmly banked down. "Can't you talk to him?"

There's absolute silence for a minute where Liam stares down at the floor and he can feel Louis' eyes staring through him. It's the sharp bark of laughter that has Liam looking up as Louis slaps his knee and throws his head back, his giggles filling the room.

"Fuck, it's not funny, it's really not," Louis says but he's still laughing. "Liam, you idiot. Harry's not my boyfriend."

"He's ... not?" Liam doesn't believe him for a second. He's seen the way they whisper together all the time. The way they follow each other when one of them is upset. He was there, at the X Factor. When they were all over each other and there was no room for anyone else. When he spent most nights going to bed early so he wouldn't have to see them, to feel the unfamiliar jealousy burning inside of him.

"Never has been," Louis says more gently and Liam can't help the way he curls into Louis' side, seeking something he can't quite name. "We're just both a bit lost without you, Liam and terribly clingy. Besides, Harry's desperately, horribly, totally inappropriately in love with someone who is definitely not me. It's disgusting, really. Total lovesick puppy. And anyway, I think Eleanor might have a slight issue with me dating Harry."

"Who's Eleanor?" Liam asks blankly.

"My girlfriend, you ignorant twat," Louis says cheerfully. "You're her favourite, after me of course."

"Right," Liam says around the lump in his throat. He's mostly still trying to process Harry being in love, and not with Louis. He'd just always assumed, is all. They'd been so close, so fast, and Liam had always been on the outside looking in. They all had.

"I thought I was El's second favourite," Zayn mutters as he flops down next to Liam and nudges his leg. Liam automatically lifts his hand and Zayn lies down, his head in Liam's lap and closes his eyes.

"Not a chance, bro," Louis says lazily as he snuggles down with his head on Zayn's chest. "She reckons you're a bad influence."

Liam wants to protest but Zayn's grinning so maybe it's another joke he doesn't understand. It's another one he can add to his list.

*

Everyone separates after rehearsals. Zayn disappears with his phone glued to his ear and Niall races off to find Josh and Sandy while Louis and Harry slip away, leaving Liam to head to his training session with Mark alone. He drives himself harder than usual, pushing his body in a way he's been reluctant to up to now because he's still getting used to the new muscle on his frame and the strength in his body. He pushes until Mark's hand drops onto his shoulder and he forces himself to ease up, an easy grin for Mark as he slows down to a walk on the treadmill. He takes a quick shower before he heads back up to his room, making a detour to the rehearsal room to grab his snapback, except Louis and Harry are already in there, heads together as they talk quietly.

“- what if he remembers the wrong thing?” Harry murmurs to Louis, his head on his shoulder with Louis’ arm around him.

Liam knows he should interrupt, that he should let them know somehow that he’s behind them. He shouldn’t be listening in to their secrets, but he’s just been in the dark for so long that he doesn’t know how much more he can take. Everything’s a contradiction and nothing seems to make sense, at least not when it comes to Harry.

"Let's worry about it if it happens, Harry. Don't make it even more fucking complicated than it already is," Louis answers before he presses a firm kiss into Harry’s hair. “Just try being his mate. That’s what he needs right now.”

"I just wish he'd remember so we can stop pretending to be mates," Harry says, and there’s so much pain in his voice that Liam turns away, his head dropping as his entire body feels weighted down by Harry’s confession. _Well that’s that_ _then_ , he thinks as his chest feels tight and he feels like he might throw up. He’d thought waking up to a missing chunk of his life was the worst thing that could happen to him. That forgetting all he seems to have achieved would be the hardest thing he’d ever have to do.

He’d been so, so wrong.

“"He will, love. Just be patient."

"We were never mates, Lou. I don't know _how_ to be mates with Liam," Harry says and that’s about all Liam can bear, right now. He steps back out into the hallway and walks up to his room, drops down onto the bed and wonders if this is what heartbreak feels like.

He sits there, his body rigid and locked and Liam knows this feeling. He knows it well. He remembers all the times he’s sat in his little bedroom back home, a quarter of the size of this temporary home, where he’d sit still until it stopped hurting. He’s still there when it gets dark and Zayn’s walking in, his face dropping as he stares at Liam.

“Babe?” he says quietly, and Liam breaks. His eyes fill and his body relaxes and Zayn’s arms are the only thing that stop him falling to the floor.”Liam, Jesus!”

“I can’t,” Liam says, a little frantic as he grabs onto Zayn and holds him tight. “I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want this. I don’t want any of this. I don’t know why I thought I ever did. It’s too much, Zayn.”

“Shh,” Zayn murmurs, folding his body around Liam’s and shifting his balance until they’re lying on the bed, Liam wrapped up in Zayn. He clings to his shirt unashamedly and buries his face into Zayn’s chest. “It’s okay, Liam. Everything will be okay, you’ve just got to wait for your memories to come back.”

“What if I don’t want them back?” Liam whispers. He doesn’t want to remember not talking to Harry or not being friends with Harry. He doesn’t want to remember the distance between them and he doesn’t want to remember Harry falling in love with someone that isn’t him.

Zayn’s arms tighten around him. “You will. I promise Liam, you’ll want them all back.”

Liam wishes he could believe Zayn, but he’s not so sure.

*

All he wants to do is avoid Harry and get over his stupid crush, but Harry seems to have other ideas. He sits with Liam at breakfast, handing him his coffee before Liam can even think to go get it. There’s a bowl of cereal waiting too with a sliced banana on top, his favourite, but Harry just shrugs and eats his own fruit bowl.

At rehearsals, they’ve progressed from simply teaching Liam the songs to trying to teach him choreography, such as it is. Liam was horribly amused the first time he watched them, arguing that it wasn’t choreography so much as walking around aimlessly, but Louis had bristled and Liam had let it go. So he’d learned all the directions he was meant to head in on what cues, when they’re meant to be together and when he’s free to move around during the show.

Today’s the first day Harry sings directly to him. During Through The Dark, which happens to be one of Liam’s favourite songs from their set list, he feels someone moving next to him. Turning, he sees Harry there, eyes bright as he grabs Liam and they do some kind of do-si-do together that leaves him breathless and laughing, because Harry’s legs are too long and uncoordinated but the other lads don’t react and he figures this is just another piece of the puzzle that he doesn’t understand. Harry spends the rest of the song by Liam’s side and Liam wonders what it’s like to stand in front of thousands of screaming fans and to have Harry right there next to him.

“You two are such idiots on stage,” Niall says when the song finishes, and Liam turns to find Niall staring at him and Harry.

“We are?” he questions, while Harry is looking both outraged and pleased all at once.

“Total dorks,” Louis agrees and the three of them, Zayn, Louis and Niall, have formed a line of sorts, facing him and Harry and he feels a bit trapped, for some reason. “Dancing together and racing around the stage. Anyone would think you were high, watching you at our concerts.”

“High on _life_ , Louis,” Harry says loftily, which Louis grins at. “Liam and I just enjoy ourselves, unlike you three. Pretending you’re too cool to be in a boyband.”

“I _am_ too cool to be in a boyband,” Zayn mutters as he curls around Niall and rolls his eyes. Liam can’t help the surge of affection that races through him, because he’s seen the videos. He knows Zayn loves being onstage; he’s seen the way Zayn lights up when he sings.

“Hey, I _love_ being in a boyband!” Niall protests and he’s as annoyed as Liam ever thinks he’s seen Niall.

“Yeah, just not _this_ boyband,” Louis says, sounding amused but Liam frowns, because what?

“Niall secretly wants to be in JLS. Or McFly. Or 5 Seconds of Summer,” Zayn explains to him.

“Not much of a secret, mate,” Louis scoffs before he slings his arm around Niall’s hips and gives him a gentle pinch. “Our fans joke about it all the time.”

“S’not funny,” Niall says, and he actually sounds grumpy, to Liam’s amusement. “You know I love being in this band.”

“You’d just like to be in their bands more, yeah we know,” Zayn teases, his gaze fond as he tugs Niall away from Louis’ sneaky fingers.

“Shut up,” Niall says even as he cuddles into Zayn. “I would not. Even though they’re nicer to me. They don’t fuck off and leave me alone while they all get mushy as fuck with their ….”

“Girlfriends, yeah we know,” Louis says quickly and Liam thinks maybe he’s missed something because there’s a tension in the room that wasn’t there before.

“I’m sure I keep you company, right Nialler?” Liam says lightly but there’s a weird look on Niall’s face that Liam can’t decipher.

“Yeah, yeah you do,” Niall says weakly.

“Why do you assume you don’t have a girlfriend?” Harry asks, his voice low and even more spaced out than usual.

He’s about to laugh and point out that he might have changed a lot in four years but he’s certain his sexual preferences haven’t, except he doesn’t because he has no memory of telling them. God, he has no idea if they know he likes boys. He hadn’t told them during the X Factor because he didn’t even know if they would get through, let alone stay together and they were still strangers, mostly. Can he just blurt it out now? Would they stare and back away from him warily or would they laugh and cuddle him and point out that they’ve known for years?

He _doesn’t know_.

“Uh,” he says blankly, because they’re all staring at him and it’s unnerving. “Pretty sure you would have mentioned it if I did,” he manages to say with an awkward smile as he curls his arms around his waist and holds onto himself tightly. “Haven’t had any weird texts or calls from anyone either.”

He jerks back clumsily when Louis reaches for him, whatever Louis had been about to say dying on his lips as Liam’s gaze drops to the ground. “Sorry,” he whispers. “S’instinctive still.”

“It’s alright,” Louis says in a normal voice that makes it all the less okay, somehow and Liam wants to just disappear. “Right, I’m bored of rehearsing. Let’s practice interviews, yeah?”

Niall and Zayn groan into each other before Louis glares at them. “We’ve got a whole day of interviews tomorrow and Liam can’t remember that he even fucking likes us, so get over it, yeah?”

“He likes us just fine,” Niall says brightly, nodding at himself and Zayn and it’s a measure of his utter boyish charm that Louis doesn’t smack him for it.

“You like us too, right Liam?” Harry murmurs into his ear and Liam swallows thickly.

“Yeah, course I do,” he murmurs back and Harry’s hand slips into his and squeezes gently.

They spend two hours learning to answer for Liam when he can’t. Liam can’t figure out how much of the talking over each other is practiced and how much is real, but it feels natural enough. What doesn’t feel natural is his complete inability to answer the simplest of questions. He _wants_ to answer and he feels so stupid when he can’t. It doesn’t matter how many times Zayn’s hand comes to rest on his shoulder or how quickly Louis jumps in to answer when Liam looks blank, he still feels completely useless.

*

Harry sneaks into his bed that night while Liam pretends to be asleep, curling around Liam tightly.

Liam wakes up alone.

*

He’s nervous and he can’t stop his leg from shaking while they sit around and wait for the first interviewer. He’s between Niall and Zayn on the sofa with Harry and Louis behind him, all within touching distance.

Zayn’s hand on his knee doesn’t stop the nerves, but he does try and stop shaking with an apologetic smile that Zayn waves off.

The first interview goes fairly smoothly. Liam explains about his accident and how great the hospital staff were when they looked after him and how he’s been leaning on the boys for support. Niall cuddles up to him and tells the interviewer they’re all glad Liam’s okay because they’d be lost without him.

“Not just vocally either!” Louis yells and everything descends from there, to Liam’s relief.

There’s a moment in the second interview when Liam’s asked about his favourite memory from the tour so far and Liam just goes completely blank.

He can feel movement behind him and he knows Louis’ going to jump in, but it comes back to him suddenly. “We were in Argentina, onstage,” he says quietly, and he can feel Zayn and Niall turn to look at him but he’s lost in a memory. “We ran to the middle of the stage to do a hands in, like we do before every show. It wasn’t really anything, just a split second and obviously something we’d spoken about doing before, but it was really nice to just take a moment, while everyone is screaming around us, to just have that moment where we were all heading towards each other and we all bumped fists, connecting us in that moment.”

No one speaks for a moment, until he feels Harry’s fingers dance across his neck.

“He’s a right soppy wotsit,” Louis groans and that’s all it takes for the interview to slowly unravel.

*

“It’s great that your memories are coming back but can you tell them to hurry the fuck up?” Louis grumbles when they finally get back to the hotel.

“Aww, poor Lou, having to actually pay attention in interviews for once,” Niall teases, his hand closing around Louis’ wrist and holding on. “Imagine what it’s like being Liam in every other interview we’ve ever done.”

“It’s exhausting, is what it is,” Louis moans and they all fall into Liam’s room together by silent consent.

“You did really well,” Harry tells him as they settle around the room and Harry drags Liam onto their bed together. Louis and Zayn take the other bed and Niall umms and ahhs before he jumps onto them, laughing loudly when Zayn complains loudly and Louis tries to shove him off, even as he keeps a hand around Niall’s waist and Zayn hooks his ankle around Niall’s leg to keep him in place.

Liam loves them a lot.

He turns and folds himself into Harry’s side, determined to allow himself these moments before his memories return and everything changes. His hand slips around Harry’s waist and he tucks his head under Harry’s chin, closing his eyes and breathing Harry’s scent in. He pays no attention to the sharp inhale of breath that Harry takes and forces himself to stay still, rewarded when Harry’s arms encircle him and they’re perfectly tangled together.

“Comfortable?” Harry asks him quietly and there’s a thread of laughter in his tone that Liam pouts up at.

“Yeah, actually,” he says bravely. “You?”

“No complaints from me,” Harry says and his smile seems softer somehow, like it’s just for Liam. “You think you'll be ready for the shows next week? We can still cancel it, if you need to.”

“No, I’m excited,” Liam tells him, and it’s true. He’s terrified but he’s excited too, and he trusts that Niall was right, that it’s always scary. “I remember before we went on at Madison Square Garden. How I felt. How ready I was. How much I …”

“Go on,” Harry says and Liam can feel his fingertips digging into his skin. He shifts slightly, moving into Harry’s touch and fuck, he can feel himself stirring but he can’t force himself to lean back. “What else do you remember?”

“How much I loved you all,” Liam murmurs, smiling up at Harry. “And that moment onstage in Argentina. How loud the crowd was. How blinding the camera flashes are. I remember it. It felt incredible.”

“Yeah, it is,” Harry agrees and the pressure of his hands eases slightly, although he doesn’t pull back. “There’s nothing like it.”

“Well we’re all pretty tired,” Louis says loudly, interrupting their conversation. He hears a loud yawn, a yelp and two more loud yawns.

“Yep, we’re beat. Gonna turn in, I reckon,” Niall mutters.

“Goodnight boys!” Louis chirps and there’s a series of muffled curses, a few thuds and the sound of the door opening and closing before there’s a loud yell that Liam can’t make out.

“Our bandmates are idiots,” Harry says inanely.

Liam’s not going to argue because he’s pretty sure it’s only 6pm. “Harry? Will you tell me a story?”

Harry chuckles softly, his nose pressing into Liam’s neck where his breath tickles Liam’s warm skin. “What do you want to hear a story about, Liam?”

“About us,” Liam murmurs, because he’s heard stories about him and the rest of the boys, but not Harry. He just really needs to hear at least one nice memory before it all comes flooding back and he remembers Harry and him not being mates. “Just like, you and me.”

When the silence stretches out too long that it becomes uncomfortable, Liam shifts but Harry nuzzles closer. "We sneak out and go sing karaoke. S'kinda our thing."

"Karaoke?" Liam says, torn between disbelief and laughter. "We go and sing karaoke?"

"In every city," Harry says, laughing against Liam's neck. "Paul sorts out security and we switch clothes."

"We switch clothes," Liam repeats slowly, glancing down at Harry's skin-tight jeans and loose collared tee. "You wear my jeans? And my shirts?"

"Yeah," Harry confirms and he moves back to look at Liam properly.

"Do the lads know?" Liam asks, still trying to figure out of Harry's messing with him or not.

Harry nods. "But they never come with us."

"Let's go," Liam says quickly, his eyes brightening as he leans up on his elbow and grins at Harry, unbearably excited. "Let's go now."

"Yeah?" Harry asks, his own grin flashing as he digs his phone out of his pocket. "You sure?"

Liam nods and scrambles to his feet. He heads to the wardrobe while Harry talks to Paul, pulling out a red plaid shirt, white vest and he's deliberating over jeans when Harry leans over him and plucks a pair from his hands.

"These'll fit," Harry says simply before he spins around and starts stripping off.

Liam turns his back deliberately, stripping off and reaching into Harry's side of the wardrobe for something to wear. He has to wriggle around, much to Harry's amusement, before he can slide Harry's jeans on but once he's in, and he feels like he can breathe again, he stares in the mirror and realises how genius the disguise is. Already he feels like someone else and when Harry jams a wide-brimmed hat over his hair, Liam wrinkles his nose in dislike but he can see how unlike himself he looks. And once Harry puts Liam's snapback on, his curls tucked away carefully, it's like they're two entirely different people.

"You look ridiculous," Liam says, trying to stop a laugh bubbling out.

"Heyyyy," Harry protests but once he's got his wallet, keycard and two phones in his pockets, he slides his hand into Liam's and reaches for the door.

"Going somewhere?" Louis asks casually, leaning against the wall opposite with a lazy grin on his beautiful face.

Except it doesn't look quite so casual when Liam sees Zayn and Niall a few steps away, dressed to go out and looking far too happy with themselves.

"Thought you were tired," Harry says archly.

Louis laughs and gives him a wink. "A little birdie told me you were off to sing karaoke so we thought we'd join you this once. Blow off some steam."

"Sing together in public before we try it in front of several thousand screaming fans who've paid a lot of money to hear us sing in a few days," Zayn murmurs.

"Yeah, that too," Louis agrees cheerfully. "Wonderful disguises, lads. Truly terrible. Right, Niall, give me your clothes. Zayn can be me and you can be Zayn."

They strip in the hallway and Liam has to turn away, embarrassed as Harry laughs softly at him and pats his shoulder in understanding.

When he turns around, he gets the giggles at Niall in Zayn's leather jacket and boots and Zayn looking uncomfortable in Louis' jumper and Vans, but it works, especially when Liam ducks back into his room and hands out snapbacks for everyone.

"Paul's sneaking us out the back. He's found a small karaoke bar where they're only going to let in regulars and ban all their phones," Louis tells them and Liam sighs with relief. He's only been out a few times into the crowds but that was enough.

Twenty minutes later, they're settled around a table and Niall is eagerly flicking through the books, dishing out songs for everyone while Louis and Zayn are ordering drinks at the bar. Niall's in the middle of an argument with Harry about why they can't do the entire Eagles backlist when a lot of drinks suddenly appear on their table. There's bottles and shots and five cocktails that Liam's extremely dubious about, but Niall's got his arm around Liam's neck and is murmuring advice on what to drink in what order and Harry's hand is on his thigh, his thumb stroking his leg gently and Louis is giving him a reassuring look and Zayn is waiting for Liam to be okay with the whole thing.

It's a lot to take in, really.

"Yeah okay," Liam says finally and takes the shot Zayn offers him.

"I can show you a whole bunch of drunk selfies you've sent me in case you're still not sure," Zayn says when Liam bites his lip nervously. "Or you don't have to drink it at all. S'alright, Liam. Whatever you want."

"No," Liam says firmly and he looks up with a wide grin that doesn't feel forced at all. "I trust you. All of you."

"I'll drink to that," Louis says loudly as he winks at Liam and he feels warm inside. The shot goes down in one swallow and he desperately wants to cough at the burn on his throat but he holds it in and slams his glass down on the table with everyone else.

By the time the drinks have disappeared, Niall's sung two Eagles songs and he and Zayn have done a rendition of a Black-Eyed Peas song. Harry's sung a song he doesn't know or remember and Louis only sang Valerie when Zayn promised to do it with him.

Liam's up next to do his audition song. It's easy to do and after he hits the first note, all his nerves disappear like magic and he just _sings_.

When the last note fades, he gets an embarrassingly over-the-top standing ovation from the boys that makes him flush bright red and he hides his head in his hands when he falls into his seat, laughing as Louis tugs him into a hug.

There's more rounds and more songs and eventually they all get up and sing Torn, except it's less how they sung it at judges house and more like a beautiful harmony, with Louis' tenor rising above them and Zayn's ad-libs making Liam's eyes widen as he wonders how often they've done this together, probably just sitting around and trying new things out on song they all know so well.

Another round of drinks and Liam's absolutely buzzing. He can't seem to stop himself from touching Harry, whether it's his arm slung around Harry's shoulders or leaning into him when he talks or a hand on Harry's thigh. He stares at his mouth a lot and he knows he shouldn't be, but his lips are right _there_. Looking red and shiny and plump and so, so kissable.

And his mind might be a bit hazy right now, but Harry's definitely not pulling away. He keeps his arm around Liam the whole night, tucking Liam into his side and letting his fingers drift up and down Liam's side in a pattern Liam thinks he might recognise from somewhere. When Liam finds his head tucked into Harry's neck, nicely mellow and chilled from the alcohol, his eyes squinting just a little and his arm wrapped securely around Harry's waist while the other three are onstage belting out another song he doesn't recognise, it's unbelievably tempting to press his lips against Harry's skin.

So he does.

Harry's fingers tighten around his waist and he wonders if this is a thing they do, as a band. Get drunk and make out with each other. He kind of hopes so because he's kissing Harry's neck again, letting his tongue lick his skin and nuzzling closer.

"Liam," he hears Harry groan and it makes him want to crawl into Harry's lap and kiss him stupid.

But he pulls back because he's drunk and his head is spinning and Harry's too nice to tell him no. He pulls back and stumbles to his feet, ignoring Harry calling his name and he staggers out of the building, breathing in deep gulps of air until his head clears a bit. He's got no money on him and he's too drunk for this but he flags down a taxi, murmurs the name of the hotel they're staying at and hopes Paul won't kill him when the taxi pulls up.

Paul does shout, he shouts really loudly, but Liam's too drunk and too desolate to listen. Paul helps him to bed and tells him to sleep it off.

Liam falls asleep in Harry's clothes, hugging the pillow Harry normally sleeps on to him and breathing in his scent until everything fades to black.

*

He's halfway through dying, his head throbbing and his stomach lurching violently, when Niall appears, looking horribly cheery and alert.

"Payno, you dyin'?" he asks, even as he grabs a bottle of water from the mini-bar and hands it to Liam, who brushes back his wet hair from the shower that didn't really help.

"Yeah," Liam croaks, taking a sip before he downs the entire bottle under Niall's curious gaze. "Am I always like this when I drink then?"

"Pretty much," Niall says with a snigger that Liam thinks is horribly unattractive in a friend. "I was gonna come in and shout at you for running off like that, making everyone panic like crazy until Paul called to tell us you were back at the hotel, but maybe your hangover is enough."

"M'sorry," Liam mumbles, head down, shamefaced.

"Do you wanna tell me what happened then?" Niall asks quietly.

Liam really doesn't. "Not really."

"Look, Liam," Niall begins, and he waits until Liam looks up. "You're probably really confused about a lot of stuff. But like, you can talk to me. Or any of the lads. Nothing's off limits with us."

Liam stares at Niall for what feels like forever. Niall simply waits patiently.

"I fancy Harry," Liam blurts out. He sees Niall straighten up, pulling away from the wall and he carries on because if he stops, he might never say it again. "I've fancied Harry since I first met him. Couldn't really help it, to be honest. And I don't know if I ever got over it, after the X Factor. I don't know if you guys even know that I like boys and if you don't, then I don't want to ruin whatever we have because I lied to you about it or because," he swallows thickly but ploughs through like always, "you have, like, problems with that or something. Like you won't want to cuddle me anymore and I really, really like the cuddling and I'm sorry I was so rubbish at it before, I'm just not used to it, you know? Just ... do you think he knows?"

Liam's breathing hard and he can't stop his hands from shaking because he's terrified and he thinks maybe he just fucked up the whole band.

"Liam." Niall barks out a sharp laugh that has Liam's head snapping up and he jumps to his feet, hands tugging his joggers up from where they were low on his hips. "Shit. Of course Harry knows." Niall laughs again like he can't help it and Liam wants to _cry_.

Liam's racing out of the door, his hand covering his mouth as he chokes back a sob and he climbs up the floors until he makes it onto the roof. Harry knows. Harry knows about his stupid crush and they were never mates and maybe that's Liam's fault. He sinks to the ground and hugs his knees, wanting to just disappear.

Eventually he starts to shiver because he forgot to grab a top but he can't move. He can't fucking move and he can't fucking remember anything and he wants to go home and curl under his duvet and listen to his mum tell him that everything's going to be alright, even though he knows it won't be. He's seventeen, or at least he _feels_ seventeen. It's all too fucking much and he can't stay. He just can't.

He can't move and he can't stay.

At some point a jumper is tugged over his head and he looks up, pulling his hands through his sleeves to find Harry kneeling in front of him, looking concerned and relieved and a bit pale, all at once.

"I spoke to Niall," he says slowly, before he licks his lips quickly. "He's like, freaking out. Quite a bit."

"I'm sorry," Liam says quietly, because he is. Because he kissed Harry. Because he ran away from the bar. Because he worried Niall. He just can't seem to stop screwing up and everything inside him is all messed up and the wrong way round.

"It's fine," Harry waves it away, his gaze intense on Liam. "Look, Liam. Niall, he told me what you said."

"God, Harry." Liam's heart starts to race and he manages to get to his feet, Harry mirroring him. "I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry I kissed you, last night. It was wrong and I shouldn't have done it. And I'm sorry about what I told Niall. I know what we are. I overheard you talking to Louis about us never being mates, and that sucks but I get it. I know ... I know I must have fucked up, and I'm sorry that I can't remember what it was or whether I ever apologised for it. So in case I didn't, I'm sorry."

"Liam," Harry's shaking his head but Liam holds up his hands and sends Harry a pleading look.

"We can just like, pretend, yeah?" he begs, and he hates himself for it, hates the hitch in his voice. "Like in public, we can pretend like we're really good mates, like we used to. I can do that. I promise. Until I get my memory back."

"Until you get your memory back," Harry murmurs. Liam looks up at him to see Harry look even paler, if that's possible, but he's taken a step back and Liam finds it a little easier to breathe. "Okay. Whatever you want, Liam. Whatever makes this whole thing easier for you."

"Nothing's been easy," Liam says shakily but he steps back when Harry tries to reach for him. Harry's hand drops back to his side and he takes another step back, his mouth drawn and his eyes impossibly dark.

"We've got interviews in an hour," Harry says quietly before he turns around and disappears through the door, closing it quietly behind him.

Liam quietly, slowly follows him.

*

It's a disaster.

Harry insists on sitting next to Liam in every interview and Liam just smiles cheerfully through it, painfully aware of every move Harry makes. Harry's arm snakes around him halfway through every interview, pulling on Liam until he all but topples into Harry. When he's not doing that, Harry's drawing on his jeans with his finger, and there's no way that Harry can't feel the way Liam's body tightens under his touch or the way Liam's arms drop so that they're resting in his lap because he's fucking half-hard and going crazy from Harry's touch.

When Liam's asked a question he can't answer, Harry's the one who jumps in with a charming smile, his hand sliding into Liam's and squeezing tight. When they get a break between interviews, Harry doesn't leave his side, passing him a drink before he can reach for it and shoving a granola bar into his hands. Liam knows he should move away from Harry because it's just the five of them in the room, as well as some of their team, but he's never been all that smart and he moves closer, smiling shyly as Harry's arm encircles him and draws him close.

"This okay?" Harry murmurs, his thumb dragging up and down Liam's arm and making him far too warm.

"Yeah," he whispers. It's perfect.

After another hour of interviews, Liam's a wreck. Harry's been touching him everywhere and Liam hasn't heard a single thing the interviewer or any of the boys have said for at least the past twenty minutes. His entire world has zeroed in on Harry, while he tries to figure out what the hell Harry's doing. This is more than simply playing up to the cameras. Harry's hand has been on his hip for the past four interviews, his fingers digging into Liam's skin and he wants to whimper but he can't because there are _cameras_ trained on them. He tries to wriggle away but Harry's arm around him is locked solid and it's going to be noticeable if he has to struggle to pull away.

He holds on throughout the next interview, right up until Harry's hand drops from his waist and he breathes a sigh of relief, only to tense up again when he feels Harry's hand on his thigh. Breathing unsteadily, Liam tries to push him away but Harry holds on tight.

"Liam, you helped to write a lot of the latest album. How does it feel to be out there singing your own songs?"

Fuck. Liam knows his eyes are wild as he stares, panicked, at Louis, who frowns up at him.

"Uh, amazing," he says huskily. Harry's thumb digs into his thigh and he can't help it. He whimpers.

"Massive ego boost, right mate?" Louis asks loudly, his gaze travelling to Harry where it turns into a glare. Or as much of a glare as Louis can manage in a recorded interview. "The fans are amazing."

Louis smoothly takes the question from there and Harry tugs Liam closer until he drops his head onto Harry's shoulder and struggles to keep his eyes open.

He's so fucked.

When the interview draws to a close, Harry stands up and drags Liam with him, smiling at the interviewer and shaking her hand, letting Liam do the same before he pulls him over to Paul.

"We're done for the day," Harry says and Liam startles because they're not. They've got two more interviews. "Louis, Zayn and Niall will have to do the last few. I'm taking Liam back to the hotel."

Liam waits for Paul to laugh, shake his head and push them back towards the lads but he doesn't. What he does do is nod slowly before he leads them out, muttering into his phone and there's a car magically waiting for them. Harry helps him inside and they sit together, not touching, in awkward silence.

Back at the hotel, Liam lets Harry drag him upstairs to their room, closing the door behind them and locking it, the click sounding loudly in the silence of the room.

"I'm sorry," Liam says, his voice wobbling slightly and he silently curses himself. "Maybe you shouldn't touch me anymore. Not until I've got this crush under control."

He can feel his face flaming but he holds Harry's gaze anyway.

Harry steps in closer until they're almost touching and he's shaking his head, even as his hand reaches up to cup Liam's cheek. "You're still so utterly sincere," he mumbles. "Even now."

And he kisses him.

It's gentle and sweet. It's slow and thorough. And it feels so familiar that Liam aches. His hands settle on Harry's hips, careful and slow as he shifts them closer. Harry makes a noise as he opens his mouth and deepens the kiss, keeping it maddeningly slow, his hands framing Liam's face.

He can hear his heart thumping loudly in his chest, so loudly that he thinks Harry must be able to hear it. He whimpers into Harry's mouth and feels Harry smile into the kiss. Harry's hands slide up into his hair and tug gently, forcing a moan through his lips as his fingers dig into Harry's hips.

Time seems to stand still as he kisses Harry until he's breathless and hard. He rolls his hips helplessly, moaning as Harry pushes back and he hazily realises Harry's hard too. Liam's name tumbles from Harry's lips and Liam swallows it with another kiss before he trails his lips down Harry's cheek and across his jaw, nuzzling into Harry's neck and pressing another kiss against his skin, nibbling him gently and tasting.

"Harry," Liam murmurs thickly, lifting his head and watching as Harry's eyes open slowly, heavy with want and his cheeks flushed with arousal. His lips look sinful, slick and bruised and Liam leans in again helplessly to kiss him. "Have we done this before?"

"Liam." Harry grasps his arms and holds on tight. "I need you to remember. I need you to try and remember."

There's nothing Liam can say, so he leans in and holds onto Harry and wills his brain to start functioning properly again.

*

The lads crash into their room when they get back and it's a cacophony of noise and yelling about what room service they want. Liam ends up brokering a truce between Niall and Louis over what to order while Zayn quietly puts on the football in the background and soon enough, Louis and Niall end up tangled together on the floor while Liam sits with Zayn on the sofa and tries not to stare at Harry. He fails miserably but he can't feel bad about it because he catches Harry watching him just as much and it's like there's a thread in the room, pulling them together. He feels a bit giddy and ridiculous and he wants to pin Harry down and see if he'll let Liam kiss him again.

It feels like forever before the lads leave with Liam pretty much herding them out of the room before he breathes a sigh of relief at the silence.

Harry's standing by the bed and he looks a bit nervous, which makes Liam smile. "Hey, can I have a cuddle?" Liam asks softly as Harry's face lights up and he opens his arms. Liam walks into them and Harry tumbles them carefully onto the bed, both of them giggling and shuffling until they're comfortable. Harry strips his shirt off and Liam hesitates for a second before he follows, both of them wriggling out of their jeans until they're in nothing but their boxers.

Harry tips Liam's face up and kisses him quickly, like he's testing it out. Liam just smiles and moves closer. His heart is pounding and he's so happy he feels like he might burst.

"Did you know?" Liam asks, stroking his hand down Harry's chest, lingering over every tattoo lovingly. He's not sure what any of this is, or what the hell it means but he's touching Harry and Harry's letting him and sometimes kissing him and that's all Liam needs right now. He's not sure he can handle much else. "Did you know I had a crush on you? Back during the X Factor?"

"I did know," Harry says and he looks pained. Liam reaches up to stroke his cheek and push his frown away. Harry melts into his touch and Liam feels like he's been lit on fire. "Not back then. I didn't know how long you felt that way. This way. God Liam, you never told me. I thought it was much later."

Liam's dying to know everything but he can see Harry holding things back. He leans up to kiss him gently, pulling back with a soft smile. He trusts Harry to tell him what he needs to know, when he needs to know it. "Fell for you the first time I saw you," he says honestly, amused when Harry's face falls lax. "I couldn't help it. But I thought like, I thought you and Louis were. You know. When I woke up in the hospital, I thought you were a couple. Louis laughed at me when he realised what I'd been thinking."

Harry groans and buries his head into Liam's shoulder, his hands gripping Liam's arms almost painfully. He feels Harry shudder and the soft press of Harry's lips against his skin. "Please remember," he begs and Liam frowns as he hears the note of desperation in Harry's voice. "Fuck, I just need you to remember, Liam. It's killing me."

Liam gathers Harry close, his lips kissing every inch of Harry that he can find. "I will," he promises fiercely. "I'll remember everything."

"I know," Harry mumbles eventually when he's calmed down, his hands still clinging tightly to Liam. "I know you will."

"Kiss me," Liam says, flushed but determined. Harry's lips settle over his and they calm each other down, relaxing into each other as the kiss steals their breath away and they fall asleep, all tangled up in each other.

*

Liam can feel Harry awake behind him. He smiles, eyes still shut as he feels Harry's fingertips dance across his back before warm lips kiss his skin.

"M'sleepy," he groans as Harry laughs quietly. "Can shag you later. Lemme sleep, Haz."

Harry's laugh dies away and Liam thinks for a moment that Harry's actually letting him sleep in as he snuggles under the duvet and lets his mind clear.

The next thing he knows, he's flat on his back and Harry's straddling his hips, staring down at him.

"Liam?" Harry says urgently, his hands pressing down onto Liam's chest. "Liam!"

Liam's hands slide from Harry's hips up his chest, flicking his nipples gently and grinning as Harry lets out a low moan. His hands keep moving though until they're tangled in Harry's messy bed-hair and he tugs gently, forcing Harry down low enough for Liam to kiss him.

"Liam," Harry moans, twisting his lips away even as Liam pouts up at him.

Then it hits him. He remembers. He remembers everything he forgot.

"Fuck," he curses, and his body starts to shake as his eyes widen and he stares up at Harry. "Fuck! Harry ..."

"Oh god you're back," Harry breathes and his face lights up.

"I forgot you," Liam says slowly in disbelief. "Harry."

"S'okay," Harry tells him, and his smile just gets bigger. "You're back. Thank god you're back."

"I'm so sorry," Liam says urgently, pulling Harry down into a fierce hug. "God, Harry!"

Harry laughs quietly before he pulls back to look down at him. "We all agreed. Not to tell you about us, I mean. Thought it'd be too much of a shock. You never told me you fancied me during the X Factor so I didn't know that you knew you liked boys back then. Thought it'd be too much of a shock to tell you that not only did you fancy boys, but we'd also been in a relationship for like, the past three years."

"I can't believe that I forgot you," Liam groans, pulling Harry back down for another desperate kiss. "I love you."

"Love you too," Harry says fiercely, and he looks like sunshine and heaven and, well, everything. God, Liam's missed him. Missed this.

"I'm sorry you had to go through all that," Liam murmurs, because he's going to feel guilty for about the next ten years.

"You went through worse," Harry says easily, but there are new lines by his eyes that Liam ruefully tries to smooth away. "Please don't ever leave me ever again."

"Never," Liam promises quietly, meaning it desperately. "Never leaving you ever again."

"M'gonna be so clingy for the next, like, year," Harry says, and there's humour laced in his voice but Liam pulls him in for a hug anyway, because they both know it's true.

"Not gonna let you go for the next, like, year," Liam teases back and Harry makes a muffled sound.

Liam leans up to kiss him, to kiss him the way he knows Harry likes best, hard and firm and with his hand wrapped around Harry's neck because he's put Harry through hell and he's missed him so much. The small sounds Harry makes against his lips have Liam turning them over until Harry's flat on his back against the mattress, and Liam can roll his hips down into Harry, making them both groan.

"Need you," Harry moans, and it goes straight to Liam's dick. "Need you so much, Liam."

"Need you too," Liam says, his hands stroking Harry's torso until Harry's writhing underneath him, driving them both crazy. "Need you so much. Missed you so much. Missed this so much."

"Need you to fuck me," Harry pants as he lifts his hips to let Liam pull his boxers down and off. "Need you inside me."

Liam ducks down to press a wet kiss against Harry's chest, trailing kisses down his chest and nuzzling into his belly before he dips lower, his hand gripping Harry's dick and squeezing gently. He hums quietly before he glances up at Harry through his eyelashes and opens his mouth wide, sinking down on Harry's dick without breaking Harry's gaze. He watches as Harry's face relaxes into pure pleasure and his hands tangle in Liam's hair, tugging just the way he likes, making him moan around Harry's cock just the way Harry likes.

"God I missed you so much," Harry mumbles as Liam's hands press down on his hips, keeping him still as he slides his mouth back up Harry's shaft and letting his tongue lick at Harry's tip. He grins as Harry sucks in a sharp breath and he pulls off, his thumb brushing over Harry's slit before he sinks back down and swallows Harry down again. He nuzzles his nose against Harry's belly, feeling Harry's stomach muscles quiver before he starts to bob up and down, savouring the taste and the feel of Harry inside his mouth and on his tongue.

"Don't make me come," Harry says shakily. "Wanna come on your dick, Liam."

Liam pulls off, his hand squeezing the base of Harry's dick gently before he crawls off the bed and shoves his boxers down. He checks the nightstand, pulling out a tube of lube and a condom, where he'd left them over a week ago before his accident. He slides over Harry and slicks up his fingers while Harry watches, his eyes blown with need and his legs spread wide. He reaches down and lets his finger circle Harry's hole, enjoying the needy little whines Harry makes as Liam teases.

"C'mon," Harry begs, rocking his hips up and Liam slides a slick finger in, swallowing the filthy moan Harry makes by kissing him. He lets Harry adjust for a second before he starts to move, their kiss sloppy and messy as Harry keeps moaning and writhing against him. Liam slides another finger inside and lets out his own groan at how tight Harry is, how tight Harry always is. He nips tiny bites against Harry's neck and tells Harry how much he loves him, how much he's always loved him.

"Ride my fingers babe," he urges and Harry nods frantically, shifting so that Liam's on his back and Harry's leaning over him. Liam can't believe he could ever have forgotten anything as beautiful as Harry riding his fingers, or how amazing he sounds when he moans low and husky, begging Liam for more. He stills Harry's hips and slides a third finger inside, letting Harry move gently against him before he grinds down and Liam reaches up to kiss him.

"Love you," Harry moans, clenching around Liam's fingers and making Liam's hips roll up helplessly. "So good, Liam. Missed this so much."

"Need to fuck you," Liam mutters. "Need to make you come."

Harry scrambles for the condom, ripping the wrapper open and quickly rolling it expertly down onto Liam's dick. He grabs the lube and squirts too much into his hand, giggling as Liam cocks his eyebrow. "Just excited," Harry mumbles as he slicks Liam up.

Liam pulls his fingers out of Harry and swipes his hand on the covers before he settles his hands on Harry's hips and guides him down. Harry sinks down quickly and Liam hisses as Harry tightens around him.

"God babe," Liam whispers, staring up at his boyfriend. "You wanna ride me?"

"No," Harry says through gritted teeth. "Want you to fuck me into the mattress."

Liam wraps his arms around Harry and flips them carefully until Harry's spread out on the sheets, staring up at him that Liam has to kiss him before he starts to move, slowly at first until he feels Harry's hands tighten around his arms and he snaps his hips up harder and faster, Harry's moans driving him on until he feels like he's about to break. He reaches between them and gets his hand around Harry's dick, Harry's moans changing to whimpers, telling Liam that he's close. He strokes Harry lovingly one before he changes his grip and twists with every stroke, burying his head into Harry's neck.

"Come for me babe," he murmurs and that's all it takes to have Harry going rigid, his dick pulsating in Liam's hand as he comes between them, messy and beautiful. All he can see is Harry staring back at him, blissful and fucked out and it's just two more thrusts before he's coming with Harry's name on his lips and he falls down onto Harry's slick body, whimpering quietly as Harry gathers him close and strokes his back tenderly until Liam feels like he can breathe again.

"Love you," he says breathlessly because he needs to say it. He wants to say it all the time until Harry's giddy with it.

"Love you too," Harry says, his lips moving across Liam's face lovingly.

It's another twenty minutes before Liam pulls back and disposes of the condom, picking Harry up out of bed and carrying him to the shower, ignoring Harry's protests because now he remembers. He remembers the way Harry argues against being carried but secretly likes it. They shower together, giggling and touching each other as much as they can before they dry off between kisses, get dressed between kisses and fall onto Harry's untouched bed and roll around kissing some more.

"Um, are we interrupting then?" Louis asks, sounding amused.

"Fuck off Tommo," Liam mumbles as he kisses Harry again, his hand sliding over Harry's arse and squeezing gently.

He feels a weight drop down onto him and then two more bodies press into them and they're lost in a tangle of limbs while Liam's still trying to kiss Harry and touch him wherever he can.

"You're back!" Louis crows, and an arm snakes around his waist.

"I'm back," Liam agrees, giving up on trying to kiss Harry with a rueful look at him before he tumbles Louis to the ground and they tussle for a bit before it ends in a cuddle. Then Niall's pulling him up for a fierce hug and a "Glad to have you back, Payno," and Zayn's tucking himself into Liam's body with a "Missed you, Leeeyum," and Liam wonders how he could have ever forgotten any of them.

*

Onstage that night, Liam thinks they all sing louder and brighter than they've ever done before. When they race off stage, Liam grabs Harry and pins him up against the wall and whispers in his ear all the things he's going to do to Harry when they get back to the hotel because he's got days to make up for and he needs Harry to bury himself in Liam over and over again until they're exhausted and broken so they can put each other back together again.

"That's filthy, Payno," Louis says from behind them and Liam refuses to be embarrassed, not when Harry's staring at him like he's the moon and the stars. "Gonna have to wait though. Harry's not the only one who's missed you, mate."

"I think it can wait," Harry murmurs, his eyes bright and shining with emotion.

"Just for a few hours," Liam promises, his hand dropping down to squeeze Harry's arse before he turns around and settles himself into Zayn's side, his hand slipping into Niall's as they head towards the car. "Missed me then did you?"

"Maybe a little," Louis says with a sniff and Liam glances over his shoulder, grinning as he sees Harry leaning into Louis, a smile playing on his lips for Liam.

And when they tumble into the car, Liam pulls Harry onto his lap because he's missed all of them but he needs to touch Harry whenever he can, just to make sure he doesn't disappear again. And when they get back to the hotel, he settles Harry between his legs as they all lounge around, discussing how they're going to rearrange the shows they had to cancel. Liam stops listening after a while and pays more attention to how Harry's twining their fingers together and placing their joined hands over his heart. Liam drops a kiss onto his cheek before he leans back and closes his eyes, smiling as Louis moans about missing home for another week due to the reschedule.

He feels Harry's chest rise and fall under his hands as Niall shoves a pillow over Louis' face and he hears Zayn chuckle as Louis yells and kicks out, trying to escape.

"Happy to be back?" Harry asks him, even though Liam is certain he knows the answer.

"Yeah," he murmurs, remembering that first night back from the hospital when he wondered if this life was everything he wanted it to be. He didn't know then that it was so much more. "Couldn't be happier."

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] written in my memory](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9387842) by [ofjustimagine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ofjustimagine/pseuds/ofjustimagine)




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